My bay, an obnoxious yap
from graying muzzle, as I move from under master’s whip.
My velvet ears twitch with distrust for the acts of man.
I will not be owned
and have grown impatient
with the repeated deeds of
those who claim to know what’s best,
so I become obstinate
with mud to my knees
rebelling by standing still,
immovable in open stall
despite the whistle on the wind.
I want only a gentle hand, but deny
those offered me as though
their compassion was insult or pity.
No longer do I hold plough forward,
but I long to safeguard the moments
as they are gifted: one sunset, one thoughtful word,
one cube of sugar, one kindness at a time.
Surely, this perseverance
will lead me to dry pastures where only
the occasional fly distracts from
solitude and peace.
Stop trying to be strong.
You do not have to make vows or resolutions or promises.
You do not have to put on a brave face.
You do not have to be patient or kind or tough.
All you have to do is allow the reality of the events to wash over you.
You will have the rest of your life
to learn how to live again,
to become the person you used to be,
or a new stronger version of your former self,
for now, survive, in any way you can.
The days won’t stop,
no matter how you may wish them to do so.
Time doesn’t stop for a broken heart,
although we wish it would,
although it feels like it might.
You do not have to listen to their
sympathies if it does do not suit you.
Be silent. Be alone.
If conversation doesn’t provide comfort,
let the calls go unanswered.
You have nothing to prove.
Let the coffee grow cold in the mug.
Look for him in the familiar places.
Reach out to his side of the bed.
Collect the pictures, all of them you can find.
Leave the television on so that you can chase off the silence.
So you feel less alone. So it can lull you to sleep.
Your armor and shield have been taken from you.
Feel shock, feel helpless, feel overwhelmed.
Feel nothing at all, if that is what it takes.
Your world will not be rebuilt in a day,
A week, a year. It will not be rebuilt the same.
It will never be the same. Nothing will.
Learn how to breathe without him beside you.
Learn how to speak to a man who will not be able to answer.
Learn to walk on your own.
There is no rush. The world will wait.
There is time.
For now,
grieve in whatever way suits you.
Survive the day, hour by hour,
survive the hour, minute by minute,
second by second.
The world will continue. All you must do is survive,
survive, survive, survive.
Without a cape, he flies. Boundless love, holding my heart in his eyes. He waits for my cue. And he walks beside, or follows with humbleness. A gentle nudge or hug— exactly what I need. While he breathes, I’ll never be alone. My German Shepherd Dog, never one more brave. While I sleep, he guards. Loving and loyal, his lifelong love selflessly gifted to me.
~gina marselle
Follow my service dog in training, Beowulf, on Instagram: @be_like_wulf_gsd.
I am no longer tied to the tangible. I spread wings. I fly. Dripping flesh from bone, leaving cells skipping into the wind. I wasn’t built to be statue. You knew it the first time you grabbed my hand and it dissipated like sand.